It's been announced tonight in a sweeping programme of privatisations - leaked in exclusive to this blog for some utterly unknown reason - that Andrew Lansley, the man irresponsible for health services in England, has drawn up a blueprint to privatise 99 percent of all known viruses and bacteria.
The rationale behind such a move is unclear at the moment but it is believed that five extra layers of viral and bacterial management may serve to slow down the capacity of such organisms to attack English citizens - especially the still gainfully employed who may yet serve the nation well.
Meanwhile, in a separate announcement, Iain Duncan Smith (or IDS as we prefer to call him), the man irresponsible for generating a more inclusive level of poverty in the realm, has publicly admitted for the first time in polite society that the government is working closely together with the famously philanthropic Close The Stable Door After The Horse Has Bolted Foundation to develop a brand new type of anti-serum designed to target those poisoned individuals who don't agree wholeheartedly with all Coalition policies.
It would appear - at the same time - that IDS is also working hand-in-glove with Theresa May, the woman irresponsible for emptying the streets of hard-working police officers, as they attempt to rid the country of all abnormal people classified by the DWP as officially workshy.
The Prime Minister, David Cameron, and the Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, are said - as I write these very lines - to be preparing their barricades and defences.
And that's the way it is.
Good night.
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